I’m here to tell you a secret. Loop Station Beatbox battles are some of the finest displays of artistry available today. If, like almost everyone you have ever met, you don’t know much about beatboxing (and specifically loop station beatboxing) then I will explain.

 

Beatboxing is the art of producing noises. Through mouth movement, breath control and epic-glottis mastery (this is a very funny pun and I am proud of it) its possible to mimic drums, snares, instruments. All sorts. Really. For a very brief intro to beatboxing, have a look at the video below.

 

 

Unless you want to daydream about savagely murdering a youtuber named spencer, its probably best to skip to 1 minute in. but the basics are there. You make drums with your mouth. It’s boots and cats. Say boots but push the b through your lips. That’s a bass drum. Say cats but push your tongue against your palette when you say the c. that’s a kick. For a snare, say the word tiss. Ok tiss isn’t a word but you get me.

 

Three noises. Easy to learn (I can do them).

 

But as with anything, humans have taken it to a higher level. We introduced a loop station. A loop station is a recording device whereby you put a noise in and the machine loops it. You can have several channels at once, so the music you create can be as complex as you like. Make a bass noise with your mouth a few times, record it with the loop station, and loop it over and over. Now you no longer have a bass noise. You have a bass line. Make a snare and loop that. You are halfway to a Drake song. (seriously – how does he get away with it?)

 

A beatbox loop station battle is this – you get three minutes. One loop station. Every single noise you make has to be from your mouth. You can add effects after it’s made. Add reverb to a bassline etc. but the key is, it’s all from you. It’s hard to explain just how difficult this is, but a good analogy is this – imagine you are doing a poetry reading. You are reading one poem out loud while writing another poem in your brain. Then one minute in, you combine the two poems to make a poem that takes elements of both original poems but surpasses them. You do this all while being timed and watched by thousands of people. Oh and if you get a single sound wrong in these battles, you are fucked. It throws the entire song off. No pressure then.

 

You do this for three minutes and make a song. It’s a battle, so once you have had your round, it goes to the next person. Now you are probably thinking – three minutes isn’t long, the songs must be pretty basic – why is this a thing? But you know the deal with humans. We push and push and push. We make extraordinary things. Below is an example of a beatbox loop station battle. In fact, many would say it’s the example. It’s between two French guys. One is named MB14, and one is named Saro. More about Saro later. You might be reading this and thinking ‘I don’t need to listen to this in order to enjoy the article’ and that’s true, I’m a great writer. But I promise you this will be the best 15 minutes you spend today. There’s everything in this. Camaraderie between artists. Insane musical skill. It’s also a good introduction to the art-form because the way MB14 and Saro construct their songs is as simple as it is brilliant – and you don’t need to be a hard dance fan to enjoy the four rounds.

 

 

I could spend 10000 words dissecting those performances. Saro’s final round is as close to perfection as I have ever heard. The guy is making Pikachu dubstep with his mouth. It’s crazy. Am I instilling this article with the passion I have for this? I hope so. There is a very good reason people of all ages in the crowd are absolutely losing their shit, and it’s because the skill needed to produce these sounds is mindblowing on its own. But add the ability to construct an entire song while doing it and, to me, you have something really special. Whenever I introduce someone to loop station beatboxing, I feel like I’m showing them a beautiful secret. How can you not find this magical?

At this point people who know my writing are probably wondering how I am going to sexualize this and I’m not but I will say that 15 years ago I used to stand in the little pink circle taped to my favorite nightclubs floor. The circle was put there because it was exactly in the center of the three rooms, and if you stood in it you would get a perfect bass wash from all three. The bass surrounded you and synced with your heartbeat in a way that only people who have actually done a lot of ecstasy and gone clubbing can really understand. You become an emulsion, you and the bass. There is another element of clubbing called Bass Rolling (I talk about this in my new book which you can order from me here) which is where you position your ears as close to the sub-woofers as you can – in order to pummel your brain with bass waves. Again, sounds fucking awful to people who have never worshiped at the alter of MDMA but if you have I don’t need to explain further. I’m sober now (one vitamin and two cups of black coffee a day), so to worship at the altar of bass I watch these videos. I put my headphones on, turn up the bass-booster and disappear. I become a coagulation of middle-age man and mouth noises. It’s a lot like the fetish Vore, where (mostly) men fantasize about being shrunk down and placed softly in the mouth of (usually) a woman. I shrink myself down. I have become small. They are making these noises with their soft mouths. There. I sexualized it. 

OK on to the actual article. The 2022 SwissBeatbox Tournament just wrapped and the story it wove throughout the artistry was incredible. I can summarize it thus – a beatboxer named Rythmind went on America’s Got Talent and did quite well. Because of this, he was given an MK2 loop station, which is a massive technological step-up from the MK1 that most people used. A lot of people disliked this. A few others saw this as an excuse to bring on more technology. The whole scene changed overnight. You now had the MK1 users, like Brez and Bizkit (more on him later) against the tech-heavy beatboxers like Rythmind and Frosty.

 

 

 

 

BIZKIT V ROBIN – Q-FINAL

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niZJPoxiv40

 

Bizkit versus Robin was the last Quarter Final and the first time we saw Bizkit in person. Before I paint him as a complete underdog, it’s worth noting this guy is the online world champion. It’s just he’s doing things old school with the MK1 so he IS the underdog when it comes to competing here. Robin, by the way, is using an MK2 here. Robin is fantastic, a great talent. But Bizkit blows him out of the water here. His style overall is best described as bro-step – think Skrillex but gifted. The great thing about Bizkit is he never halts his flow before the drop. He lays out a minute of rap/opera style sounds, which give away literally nothing of what is about to come. Then when the first drop comes in, its like he’s force-fed everyone ketamine and taken them back to 2006.

 

2.30 into the battle, after about 20 seconds of frantic button mashing, he lowers the volume on all the tracks, looks over at his opponent and shouts ‘Pardon…Au Revoir Robin’ before kicking the most insane sounding dubstep line you have ever heard. It’s a beautiful moment. It’s the first round, and honestly… Robin is done. Like legions of French people throughout history, he kneels before his opponent and waits for the ax.

 

And Robin is no slouch by the way. His first round is a beautiful, jazz infused big bass monster complete with nicely done lyrics and synths. But he’s going nowhere and we know it.

 

This battle is a great example of the camaraderie between beatboxers. Robin spends three minutes telling Bizkit to leave the country and Bizkit retaliates by… hyping the crowd up and appreciating the musicianship with helicopter dances.

 

A good thing to notice during Bizkit’s second round, aside from it being a banger, is how many times he shifts his headphones from both ears, to one ear, to none. This is because while the speakers are playing one thing he is composing another through the phones. At times he wants nothing but speakers, at times nothing but phones – but the real musicianship comes through when he has one ear on one off. Because then he’s mixing in real time.

 

Basically Robin is fucked. But he gives it a good go, and he does it with an amazing little synth line that he makes almost instantly. Also, his vocals in this are a fucking delight. These people are insanely talented. I realize this article is asking a lot of the people reading it, but art is about wanting to transfer joy, and I want to transfer what I feel inside my heart when I hear this music.

Rythmind V BREZ – QUARTER FINAL   

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVpMGq3PRyM

 

This could have been a final and everyone knows it. Rythmind is a beast, but Brez has been around a long time himself and produces some amazing music. Also, here Rythmind is using a MK2 machine that has been specially made for him. Brez is an OG MK1 user and spends the whole time reminding the crowd of this fact.

 

One thing about the MK2 is its ability to produce almost instantly. MK1 users need to lay down a certain amount of channels before it becomes music. MK2 has such a range of pre-effects that it can drop in straight away. But Brez is the master of laying a groove out quickly, and his first round is a great example of this. It takes twenty seconds for him to hit his stride, and once those twenty seconds are up he can blast out some insane, warped vocals which is very much his trademark. This first round should win almost any battle. There’s spice here as well. These two are friends, but there’s no doubt Rythmind having an MK2 (and probably him ‘selling out’ by going on America’s Got Talent) has affected people’s relationship to him. He’s very much the David Guetta of the scene. Towering. Imperious at times. But… there’s something not right and Brez fucking knows. That’s why he’s so hyped when the first round comes together the way it does.

 

Rythmind’s first round is a great response, even if he does fuck it up right at the start. But having an MK2 lets you make mistakes. He goes straight into an insane techno house beat. Its genuinely brilliant, but already you can hear a difference in the technology. The synths he is able to push out sound fake. And not ‘he’s fucked with them in after-effects’ fake, but ‘this sounds a bit like it’s cheating’ fake.

 

Brez’s second round is another banger, and a great showcase of how much harder you have to work with the MK1 than the MK2. He is running a scattergun across the keys for 30 seconds before the channels are locked in the way he wants. Compare that with Rythmind, who just does not have to work that hard to make the same amount of music. Times move on and I’m totally fine with that (I’m the AI guy after all) but if you have one guy using a baseball bat and another guy using an AK-14 then it becomes unfair.

 

Things begin to get tense around the 1.30 mark. Brez turns to Rythmind and mocks his MK2, while making the same noises the MK2 can make. He basically mimics Rythmind’s style and you can see as Rythmind walks away that he is very much not OK with it. This might seem tame to someone who follows battle-rap or any form of sport, but it’s important again to reiterate how together the SwissBeatBox scene is. Brez continues his goading of Rythmind, shouting ‘so its MK1 versus MK2 how fair is this? HUH? How controversial would it be if you won with a machine that isn’t even released yet?’. Rythmind grins, but it doesn’t take a behavioral analyst to see that he’s pissed off. Brez then showcases the MK1 at the end of his round – literally by holding it up to the crowd, who are mostly on his side.

 

Brez finishes his round with an almost minimalist techno vibe. Again, this round would win against almost anything. And so far, I have Brez ahead by a margin. I think most people did.

 

But then Rythmind brought his final round.

 

40 seconds in and this round is confusing as fuck. Nothing is happening. Rythmind is hunched over the MK2. A few noises are made. What’s he building? He asks for the crowd to clap. Just twice. The crowd fuck it up so Brez has to help. Again, the love is felt. For a few moments… Rythmind turns to Brez and says ‘You know…if you want an MK2… you have to win something for once in your life’. Ouch. And then…

 

This fucker made Thunderstruck by AC/DC while we were all sleeping. It’s a truly amazing moment, one of the highlights of the entire season. You can probably tell what side I fall on in this whole technology debate, but hearing the guitar line to such an amazing song come out of a guys mouth is staggering. There’s a shot at 13.38 in this video where they show the crowd and almost everyone has their hands on their heads, mouth wide open. Life is so fucking beautiful, you know what I mean? This is what I live for. I go back to MidJourney and AI art. I want to be surrounded by flowers. Clothe me in the best fucking silk you can find. I’m Dionysus. I’m a sober Dionysus. Morals and ethics are great, but so is the feeling of being overwhelmed.

 

Two minutes in and Thunderstruck moves away, to be replaced by a bassline so massive that the camera shakes. See, while we have been listening to the guitarline from a classic rock song, he has been making a drum and bass track using the rhythm section as a bass tone. Naughty! Basically it’s over. Brez knows it. He fought amiably against the vast, crystal dragon of Rythmind’s MK2. But he couldn’t quite make it.

FROSTY V RYTHMIND – SEMI-FINAL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RG_XRJ8IJU

This was my first real experience of Frosty. I’ve seen videos etc of his stuff but live is another thing entirely. He’s British, so I should be rooting for him, but the sheer amount of technology he has in front of him puts me off immediately. And sure thing, ten seconds after total silence he has a nearly completed track thanks to the MK2 and various effect stations. This guy even has a fucking laptop screen up. It’s crazy. But this is very much the battle of the technocrats so let’s hold off and see what happens…

 

There’s something off about Frosty’s set-up and I can’t really explain what it is. But the various stations he has really make it sound like he’s just synthesizing these sounds. There’s a siren that comes in that just sounds fake. With previous battles and MK1 users especially, the sounds were incredible yes – but you could always equate them to what you were hearing from the mouths. With Frosty, its as if he’s just pushing buttons. The vocals are nice but need boosting. I’m almost out, but then he mutes everything, stares at Rythmind and shouts ‘IT’S TIME TO GO BACK TO TIK-TOK BRO’ and I am right back with him. He’s playing a kind of mix between British Drum and Bass/Grime and Electro-infused Indie like the Stone Roses or Primal Scream. It should be utterly endearing, but it’s not.

 

This is Rythmind’s to lose as far as I’m concerned. But this is where it starts to slip. Much like Smaug becomes obsessed with his gems, Rythmind is being taken over by technology. At one point he does something I have never seen before and actually switches wires between machines so he can use both at once. It’s to his detriment though, because it takes 1.30 of a 3 minute round for him to produce anything. When he finally drops, he does it well, but eh… it leaves me cold. The whole joy of these things is listening to people make the songs live. Frosty and Rythmind make them in their headphones, using technology that isn’t available to everyone.

 

Frosty’s second round is a synth-led atmospheric 3 minutes. Again, there’s no real sign as to where the noises are coming from. They just appear. He transforms the round half way through with some truly disgusting bass-lines, and overall this is the best I’ve heard from him.

 

Frosty did good. It’s not for me, but the judges liked it and he got the crowd hyped. He also looks like someone painted Shrek pink and put him in a hat which is certainly endearing.

 

Rythmind has a weirdly subdued final round, changing machines and messing about the same as in the first round. He seems more interested in showing off what his voice modulator can do. He does, however, do an amazing modulated version of Lacrimosa which is so good I want to listen to it forever. But look. There’s no doubt Rythmind is off his game here, and Frosty ends up walking into the final, where he will meet our brave little teapot Bizkit and his one machine. The king has been vanquished. Long live the king?

BIZKIT V FROSTY – FINAL

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJSd9o162to

It’s the final yo. We got here quick because there are only quarters and semis before it. Swiss BeatBox hold elimination rounds. It’s Frosty up first, with his endless realms of technology. He looks annoyed and nervous throughout his first round, and rightly so because he obviously used his best rounds in the semi against Rythmind. Again, his volume is off on certain channels and the whole thing is kinda messy. Not a good look for the final. He does almost make it up in the last twenty seconds with a truly disgraceful bass-line but again, I couldn’t tell you where it came from and half the fun is finding out.

 

Bizkit’s first round is good, but nothing special. It’s very much a final here, because both are clearly nervous. Bizkit uses the pitch-shifter beautifully towards the end of the round though, making noises that pissed my dogs off they were so high.

 

Frosty starts his final round of the tournament with another ten seconds of silence, followed by some lovely synth work. This is his best stuff by far. Like being inside a broken computer-game. But it goes nowhere. 3 minutes in and its the same, just with a lo-fi style drum beat. I am perplexed. Neither of these guys seem to be on their games. Got to wonder what Bizkit is going to bring to his final round…

 

The way Swiss BeatBox upload their videos to Youtube means there is always a day or so’s worth of comments, mostly from people who were there live, before it drops. It’s great because I like reading the comments from fans, beatboxers etc who were there and who know what’s about to happen. The average comment on this final video, before it was uploaded, was ‘you are not ready for bizkits final round bro’. Or something similarly intense. I love this shit. It gets me super pumped for what’s going to happen. So… Bizkit was going to murder him, I assumed.

Yeah he did. It’s not hyperbole to say this is one of the best rounds of loop station beatboxing ever. It might be the best, considering it was the final. He brings everything to the table, slick rap, amazing basslines, disses, rock, everything. If you have read this far and not watched any of the videos, I urge you to skip to 12.20 in the video of the final above and listen. It’s mind-blowing.

 

2 minutes in and it’s obvious who has won. Our little Bizkit has beaten the forces of technology and will take the gold medal home. But he has one more trick up his sleeve. He turns to Frosty, drops the volume and spits ‘I loop so nice with no second device, you thought you were stronger but oops no dice’ before unleashing a disintegrating dub drop. It’s over. It’s the famous scene in The Simpsons where Homer beats the Krusty Burger Mascot while someone cries STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD!

So that’s it. We told a tale of technology, rivalry, friendship, betrayal, boots, cats and bass-lines. What’s the takeaway from this? What have we learned? Well, basically fuck all. Which is great.

 

Epilogue

 

Welcome to the land of Glottis. It’s a beautiful day and somewhere, just over the hills, is beauty and joy. Here we see the grand wizard Saro leaning against a low wall smoking a pipe. We stop to say hello – and Saro waves at us before unleashing a most hellish bassline using only his uvula. 

Damn Saro! You crazy! 

Walking further up the road, we see a poster attached to Ye Olde Lamp Post. It says 

today – swiss jousting – ye olde feeld

As we approach the field, the smell of fondue and neutrality assail us. The usual suspects are all lined up on their sleek, black steeds. There is Brennz, his hair silly, his lips supple and ready. There, next to him, is NB15, the sleazy knight with the perfect coiffure. 

But the reigning champion, and overall joust-wunderkind Rythmus is not present. Where might he be? Either way, it’s lovely to be among people you respect, all coming together to scrape a little bit of joy out of an otherwise distressing life. 

As the jousting begins, the atmosphere turns even gayer. You stop and realize the jousters are true wonders. Real gifted bastards. The jousts are even and enjoyable. But something isn’t quite right. In the distance, a rumbling of hooves, a turning of the sky. 

Suddenly Rythmus arrives on a crystal steed and an Auto-Cannon. He opens fire, tearing flesh and splintering bone with his extraordinary weapon. A few knights charge towards him, holding their spears aloft, but are gunned down mercilessly, screaming for their mothers, holding limp tongues as they spool from their mouths. 

Rythmus steps down from his steed and reveals his extraordinary French penis. People are afraid. A cry of ‘JUST GIVE HIM THE FUCKING TROPHY’ erupts from the crowd. Some children are present, their lives permanently altered. 

Rythmus stoops to pick up the trophy. As he bends down, a lance is thrust through his stomach. Enraged, he turns to see what has happened, and comes face to face with a knight he has never seen before – Sir Biscuit. 

‘Sorry I’m late’ Sir Biscuit says, before pointing towards the trophy. ‘I believe that’s mine’.