Since my escape from the confines of Bear Creek,¹ I have fallen in with a loose association of malcontents, reprobates, misanthropes, degenerates and schismatics who refer to themselves (somewhat pretentiously, I might add) as the “Last Estate”–a name they also use for their headquarters, a rotting hulk of a mansion whose legal owner (the last actual occupant’s² doubly-illegitimate grand-nephew) never got the letter informing him of his inheritance, and would not have acknowledged it even if he had.³ The mansion is haunted as fuck;⁴ my new housemates are barely tolerable at best⁵ and make me actively murderous at worst;⁶ and it is so FUCKING HUMID that I’m pretty sure every square inch of my body is just like coated in a layer of sweat, it’s disgusting, I hate it here. But I don’t have to pay rent, which means I don’t have to get a real job, which means I can spend as much time as I want getting in arguments online. I still need money for drugs and alcohol and nicotine (a kind of drug), unfortunately, so I’m writing a low-effort listicle about what every sportswriter must write about at some point in their career: the Super Bowl. 

To be clear: I didn’t watch the superbowl, because fuck it. I hate Ohio and I hate Los Angeles. Whoever wins, I lose. Didn’t even look up the fucking results. Who cares. I’m writing about the ads. I have watched them all⁷ so you don’t have to (no seriously please don’t it’s not worth it) and I will be ranking them from worst to best based on three criteria: sex appeal;⁸ artistic value;⁹ and cultural impact,¹⁰ each rated out of five. There will be no perfect scores, this I promise. Also I don’t know how many of these fuckers there are, maybe I’ll get bored and give up halfway through. Here we go.

 

44. Planters – Mixed Nuts

SEX APPEAL: 0/5.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 0/5.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 0/5.

TOTAL SCORE: 0/15. I wish that fucking peanut was still dead. 

 

43. Meta Quest 2 – Animatronics

SEX APPEAL: 0/5. The metaverse is just Second Life but not sexy. They took all the sex appeal out of Second Life and replaced it with some bitmoji ass mii ass fuckshit. I spit on the metaverse. In a non-sexual way.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. “Don’t you forget about me” is one of those songs that like. I won’t change stations if it’s on the radio but I would never choose to listen to it otherwise. You know?

CULTURAL IMPACT: 0/5. If the culture knows what’s good for it. 

TOTAL SCORE: 1/15. I would make legally actionable threats to Mark Zuckerberg here but I don’t want these guys’ newspaper web-thing to get taken down, they put a lot of work into it and it would just break their little hearts.

 

42. Verizon – Jim Carrey Cable Guy

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. Jim Carrey looks like shit now. I guess the woman in it was cute. Eh.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 0/5. Fuck you.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Google tells me this is a reference to a movie that came out while I was still in diapers. I have not heard of it. 

TOTAL SCORE: 2/15. Wish I was watching The Mask instead. 

 

41. Vroom – The Musical

SEX APPEAL: 0/5. Musicals are the least sexy form of theater. Nothing sexy about a musical. Except Cats. And this isn’t Cats. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 0/5. Musicals are also artless and worthless, except, again, Cats. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. I actually did use this to sell my car since it’s been parked out front of the Estate for months and I’m not sure it runs but I think they might’ve taken the wrong one? Sorry whoever’s car that was.¹¹ You can have mine.

TOTAL SCORE: 2/5. 

 

40. T-Mobile – Scrubs

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. This one has the guys from Scrubs in it and they were kinda cute back in the day but they have not aged well. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. Bad song. Relies entirely on “lol it’s the guys from Scrubs”.  

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. I didn’t even like Scrubs.

TOTAL SCORE: 3/15.

 

39. AT&T – High School Reunion

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. Idk do people think Demi Moore and/or Mila Kunis are hot? I looked it up and they did go to the same high school but so did Warren Zevon and he was way more attractive.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. Did you know that the Warren Zevon song “Seminole Bingo” was written by mystery novelist Carl Hiaasen? My mom likes his books but I’ve never read them.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Nobody will remember this ad but everyone remembers “Werewolves of London”. 

TOTAL SCORE: 4/15. Neither Kunis or Moore would even be in the running for “most admired alum” of their high school. Not when Zevon went there. Also the entirety of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And Ricardo Montalban. And Slash. And former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette. Real star-studded high school.

 

38. Salesforce – Matthew McConnaghey. McConnauhey. McConahay. MacConnaughy. McConaughey.¹²
    

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. One point for each actress with incredible cheekbones who appears on screen for like a couple seconds. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. “Also Sprach Zarathustra” is overdone.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. I’m honestly not sure what salesforce is and this ad did nothing to inform me. 

TOTAL SCORE: 4/15.

 

37. Liquid Death – Kid Party

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. Was expecting to give this a zero but the mom’s hot. I’m like a little into pregnant women which is weird considering I don’t have the equipment to impregnate women. Maybe it’s the ~~glow~~.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. Breaking the Law is a banger and so is the morning theme from Peer Gynt but the soundtrack does not save this.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Like OK I guess that canned water is popular but nobody’s gonna remember this commercial. I don’t remember it and I just watched it.

TOTAL SCORE: 5/15. Eh. 

 

36. Greenlight – I’ll Take It

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. One point for the wizard, one point for the t-rex.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. One point for the wizard, one point for the t-rex. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Just the wizard point for this one, dinosaurs are played out.

TOTAL SCORE: 5/15. Still don’t know what Greenlight is. 

 

35. Google Pixel – Real Tone 

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. It’s like mostly a slideshow of photos and some of the people in the photos are hot.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. But like it’s mostly a slideshow of photos. Not really kino. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Whatever. I mean I guess it’s good they’re making a camera that works better on darker skin tones but like. This ad was bad. 

TOTAL SCORE: 5/15. I’m really running out of steam here guys idk. I’ve only done. Ten so far. Don’t know how many are left. Christ. Thank god I’m reordering these I’m sure I’ll do more when I’ve got more energy. 

 

34. T-Mobile – Miley Cyrus

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. Which is wild, it’s Miley Cyrus, she’s hot, but she’s not hot in this one. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. Song bad. Not much more 2 say.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. I think they thought this one would be a hit but let me tell you: it is not.

TOTAL SCORE: 5/15

 

33. T-Mobile – Dolly Parton

SEX APPEAL: 3.5/5. I know, you’re all calling me an imbecile, a fool, a philistine for not appreciating Dolly. But she hasn’t been aging well. More plastic than woman. 70s Dolly is a 4.5. This Dolly isn’t.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. I guess it’s a parody of those awful ASPCA ads? But it’s not very amusing. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. I’m running out of ways to say “who care” and that’s not good because I have so many of these fuckers to go. Christ.

TOTAL SCORE: 5.5/15

 

32. FTX – Larry David Sells Crypto

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. The girl who gives him the coffee is hot but other than that it’s just a bunch of old dudes.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. Look ok Larry David is funny. He’s a good fucking comedian. Unashamed to say I laughed at this. Is comedy art? I sure hope so. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. I bet FTX won’t even exist this time next year. Never heard of em before never gonna hear of em again. 

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. This was the first one I watched by the way, hope it’s uphill from here. Christ. 

 

31. QuickBooks – DJ Khaled

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. There’s like a kinda cute candle maker at the very end.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. Chumbawamba Tubthumping is a perfect song. They get one point for each second of it they use.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. 

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. Needs more Chumbawamba. 

 

30. Headspace – Sleep With John Legend(‘s podcast)

SEX APPEAL: 4/5. Loses a point for John Legend constantly hedging the “you get to sleep with me” bit. Shoulda leaned in.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. Zzzzzzz. Put me to sleep faster than the podcast. Which I haven’t listened to but which I assume isn’t as sleep-inducing.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. What the fuck is Headspace. Is this another podcast app. The world doesn’t need more podcasts. 

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. Have been informed that Headspace is a meditation and sleep app. But also that it does not have sissy hypno on it, which is the only valid use for such an app. What is the point.

 

29. Avocados from Mexico – Hail Caesar

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. Why do avocados have their own super bowl commercial. Everyone knows what avocados are.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. The romans didn’t have avocados or tomatoes but I’m pretty sure they did have tailgate parties so that’s three points for documentary versilimitude.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. 

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. The Caesar salad wasn’t named after Julius Caesar. It was named after a guy named Caesar. 

 

28. Irish Spring – Cast Thy Smell Away

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. Idk maybe there were some sexy ladies in the backgound? But this thoroughly unpleasant dude was in center of frame basically the whole time.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. Look if you’ve never been forcibly inducted into a mysterious woodland cult maybe you won’t appreciate this but this is exactly how it is. Basically a documentary.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Everything still smells the same around here. Mildewy. 

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. 

 

27. Doritos – The Woods

SEX APPEAL: 0/5. Shoulda been sexy anthro animals like those orangina ads. I’m not a furry but I have been known to crank one out to a sexy foxgirl on occasion. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. The sloth voguing at the end accounts for 2 of these points.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. 

TOTAL SCORE: 5/15. Everyone already eats Doritos what do you need a superbowl ad for.

 

26. Rocket Mortgage – Barbie Dream House

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. Is Anna Kendrick hot? I don’t think she’s hot. Do guys find her hot, is she like, straight hot? I don’t know any straight men so I have nobody to ask. Well OK I live with plenty of them but I don’t want to leave my room.¹³

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. Solid swerve work. Could’ve gotten a 4 if it wasn’t for the QR code that’s probably advertising, like, a cryptocurrency. I didn’t scan it because I’m allergic to 5G radiation so I got rid of my phone.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. Should’ve had more Skeletor, then people would’ve been talkin about the Skeletor ad. Nobody wants to talk about the Barbie ad.

TOTAL SCORE: 6/15. 

 

25. Budweiser – Oh No The Horse Got Hurt

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. There’s like a MILFy horse doctor but she’s on screen for like three seconds.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. Idk. It’s a touching story but you know they woulda shot that fucker and sent him to the glue factory. Versimilitude is critical in beer ads.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. These points are more for the long-running ad campaign than for this specific instance. Everyone knows about the beer horses. 

TOTAL SCORE: 7/15. The dog was cute.

 

24. Oikos – Deion Sanders

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. Few things sexier than a multi-sport athelete. Unfortunately he’s like old now so he loses a few points.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. Eh.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. Deion’s son is apparently a fucking great college QB, this is def an attempt to get him in the public eye so he can market himself ASAP. Shame he doesn’t also play baseball like his dad did. Oh well.

TOTAL SCORE: 7/15. I feel like I’ve been giving a lot of 7s. I guess it’s like rolling 2d6 you’re gonna get it a lot.¹⁴

 

23. Busch Light – Kenny G

SEX APPEAL: 1/5. Do you think anyone has ever asked Kenny G to sign a Weird Al album. Like walked up to him on the street and been like “oh my god I love your music can you sign this” but it’s Poodle Hat. I want to do this. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. Goddamn that man can play a fucking sax. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Idk it’s a beer ad. I’m never drinking Busch unless it’s literally my only option and even then I’d probably stay sober.

TOTAL SCORE: 7/15. Christ. This is the last one. I’m done. Now I just gotta sort them and we’re fucking good. Halleleujah. 

 

22. Caesar’s Sportsbook – The Mannings

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. Cleopatra sexy; Peyton Manning like, negative sexy. Actively makes his surroundings less sexy. Horrid.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. Idk there’s a joke at the end about quarterbacks that I would probably find funny if I knew anything about football. But like, what am I, a sports journalist?

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2.5/5. I wonder how many people will develop a gambling addiction because of this ad. 

TOTAL SCORE: 7.5/15.

 

21. E*Trade – The Baby Returns

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. There’s a woman in a suit and I like women in suits. But like the other people in the ad are a mediocre dude and two infants.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. Talking babies are classic. Every great director has to cut their teeth on at least one talking baby commercial before their big break. I’m sure the guy who directed this will go on to be the next Alfred Hitchcock or David Lynch or Coen Brothers.¹⁵

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. I guess the E*Trade baby was like. Big in memes back in the day. Or something. But shit. That first baby ad was in 2008. He should be the E**Trade middle schooler by now. 

TOTAL SCORE: 8/15. Thank you to ETrade for letting me have fun with footnotes. 

 

20. Sam Adams – Boston Dynamics

SEX APPEAL: 2/5. Hate those fucking robots Jesus Christ. I think my eventual fate is that one of those dogs is gonna blow my leg off with a flashbang during a water riot in 2047. But there’s an aloha shirt so I gotta give it some points.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 1/5. I hate that they made it backflip why did they make it backflip.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 5/5. Nothing human makes it out of the near-future. 

TOTAL SCORE: 8/15. 

 

19. Lays – Seth Rogen & Paul Rudd

SEX APPEAL: 4/5. As someone who’s currently fucking a scary ghost girl¹⁶ I’ve really grown to appreciate the erotic qualities of banshees, spectres, wights, etc. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. Was going to give it “1/5 Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd should’ve married each other” but the ghost girl was a nice touch. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 1/5. Like I said about Doritos: why do you need an ad your product is omnipresent. 

TOTAL SCORE: 8/15. 

 

18. Hellman’s Mayo – Pete Davidson Gets Tackled

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. I guess Pete Davidson is hot? I mean all his girlfriends have been hot. Maybe it’s like. A collective cultural psyop.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. Honestly I think slapstick is the highest form of comedy. When he tackles grandma? Priceless.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. Did Kanye tweet about this? Did I just see someone joke that Kanye tweeted about this? We may never know.

TOTAL SCORE: 9/15. I want a chicken salad sandwich. 

 

17. Michelob Ultra – Bowling Alley

SEX APPEAL: 4/5. Peyton Manning: -2, as previously established.¹⁷ Nneka Ogwumike: +1.5. Jimmy Butler: +1. Alex Morgan: +2. Brooks Koepka: +0. Steve Buscemi: +1.5. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. “Superior Bowl” is pretty good tbh. Also I like beer ads that are about everything except the beer. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. Idk I don’t see this going places unless they remake the Big Lebowski with only sports players in which case, shit, I’d watch that.

TOTAL SCORE: 9/15.

 

16. Coinbase – Bouncing QR Code

SEX APPEAL: 0/5. Nope.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. Mostly for sheer chutzpah although the soundtrack kinda slaps. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 4/5. Mainly I think this is turning into “how much have I seen people talk about it on twitter” and for this one it’s quite a bit actually.

TOTAL SCORE: 9/15. Fuck everyone for making crypto an investment thing tho, it should only be used for buying drugs and guns imo. 

 

15. Expedia – Ewan McGregor

SEX APPEAL: 4/5. I always forget that Ewan McGregor is Scottish, and I don’t know how I could possibly forget that given his name. Anyway it’s an inherently sexy accent. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. It’s fine. Nothing to write home about but also not terrible, you know? Solid.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. Damn I wish I could afford to travel. Also that the pandemic was at a point where I could travel anywhere exciting. Maybe Scotland. Find a red-headed lass with an Ewan McGregor accent and get all cottagecore. 

TOTAL SCORE: 9/15. Obi-Wan Kexpedia lol. 

 

14. DraftKings – GAMBLE

SEX APPEAL: 4/5. No idea what the fuck is going on with that woman’s hair but I want her to choke me.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. No idea what’s up with her outfit, either. Eldritch tiny half skirt situation. Leather jacket over like. Chainmail? Scales? It’s fucked. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. Do you think more people will get a gambling addiction from this one than from the Caesar’s one? I sure hope so. 

TOTAL SCORE: 10/15. We’ve entered double digits, baby. Everything from here on is good. Well, “good”. 

 

13. Alexa – Scarlett Johansson

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Went into this ready 2 say “oh Scarjo isn’t hot she’s straight hot” but. She’s hot. There’s a bit where you get a POV of waking up next to her and another where she’s got like a flannel with the sleeves rolled up. And also there’s these two.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 2/5. I hate the Alexa and everything it stands for but I will admit this ad made me smile and chuckle a couple times there were some good bits.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. This is one of the later ones I’m doing and I’m slowly becoming less and less sure of what “cultural impact” means and whether I’m qualified to judge that. But I have skipped this on youtube a few times now. So it’s like, out there. Or whatever.

TOTAL SCORE: 10/15.

 

12. Squarespace – Zendaya Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Yeah.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. Honestly? It’s got some cinematography occurring. More than most commercials. This one is fine.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. I did actually see someone talking about this on twitter? So I guess that’s an indication. Of something.

TOTAL SCORE: 11/15. Look, Zendaya’s hot, although this isn’t as hot as that one paparazzi photo of her and Tom Holland where they look like a lesbian couple going to the farmer’s market. That would be a 6/5.¹⁸

 

11. Pringles – Stuck On You

SEX APPEAL: 3/5. I think having sex¹⁹ while you’ve got a Pringles can stuck on your hand is pretty hot and I don’t know why.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. I want to see this as maybe a 20-30 minute short film about this man’s whole life. Just like him living and growing old. With a Pringles can on there the whole time. Beautiful.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 4/5. But only if they make my short film. Call me, Mr. Pringle, I want to make this happen.

TOTAL SCORE: 11/15 if they make my movie; 8/15 otherwise.

 

10. Planet Fitness – Lindsey Lohan

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. She’s still got it.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. The weeping paparazzi and the bedazzled ankle-cuff are fantastic; unfortunately, Shatner hasn’t made anything that I would classify as “art” since TekWar.²⁰

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. You know nobody’s actually gonna go to the gym, right? I know Lindsey won’t actually be there. I’ve been burned before.

TOTAL SCORE: 11/15.

 

9. Sam’s Club – Kevin Hart

This one was fine but I saw a synopsis for the next one in the listicle I’m getting all these from and I need to see what’s up with “Doja Cat leads an escape from a clown college while covering the Hole song Celebrity Skin” before I shit myself laughing at the premise so this gets whatever I give that minus point five so that the segue makes sense. 11.5/15. 

 

8. Taco Bell – Doja Cat

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. It’s Doja Cat. She’s hot. This would’ve been a five point five but she loses the clown makeup like halfway through the video and I’ve got like a mild to moderate clown fetish. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. It’s a good cover, the whole thing got released as a single, and the cover of the single has Doja Cat wearing a collar that says “Daddy” in rhinestones so like what’s not to like. Shoulda worn that in the ad, woulda gotten a 6/5 hotness. 6.5 if she wore it with the clown makeup. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 3/5. Possibly a sign of the upcoming clowncore movement, which I welcome with open arms. 

TOTAL SCORE: 12/15.

 

7. Booking dot com – Idris Elba

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Idris Elba…

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. In an aloha shirt…

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. Advertising a website I’ve never heard of in my goddamn life. Whatever. 

TOTAL SCORE: 12/15.

 

6. Rakuten – Poker

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. IDK who this lady is but I need her to be mean to me right goddamn now I tell you what. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 3/5. It’s like clearly trying to do a James Bond thing? But opposite the sexy supervillainess with the hairless cat is just like some rando. Also why would you bet a Roomba at a poker game. Makes no sense.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 4/5. Rewriting this part a couple hours later. Someone, and I won’t name names but it rhymes with “barbaric”, just tried to bet a Roomba at the Estate’s weekly poker game. Not even his Roomba, it’s the communal Roomba. Goddammit.

TOTAL SCORE: 12/15. 

 

5. UberEats – Gwyneth Paltrow Eats Her Own Pussy

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Yeah. That’s right. I think Gwyneth Paltrow taking a bite out of her own pussy candle is hot. I said it. It’s like tasting yourself on a girl’s fingers. Sexy. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. But only for the disclaimers at the bottom. They just get more and more exasperated. High five to the disclaimer writer. 

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2/5. As much as I want this to be a thing I don’t think anyone else appreciates Gwyneth Paltrow eating her own pussy as much as I do. 

TOTAL SCORE: 12/15. Might get one of those candles. How much are they? Goddammit. 75 dollars and they don’t actually smell like pussy. Fuck you Gwyneth you’re getting a 7/15 now. Christ. 

 

4. Bud Light – Zero In The Way Of Possibility

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Some seriously hot chicks in there, and Barbara Streisand has a sexy voice. 

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5. Actually like. Unironically pretty well put together? Never thought I would say a bud light ad is kino but this one is kino. That’s some film school lingo for you.²¹

CULTURAL IMPACT: 2.5/5. I’m actually kind of hoping this doesn’t have an impact because the idea of a zero calorie beer fills me with dread but I think it might. Hedging my bets.

TOTAL SCORE: 12.5/5. 

 

3. Cutwater Spirits – It’s OK To Be Lazy

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. SEVERAL aloha shirts. Enough said.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. Monochrome makes everything artsier. With the like, one splash of color in the frame? Gorgeous. Loses a point for not also having the aloha shirts be in color.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 4/5. Ok maybe not cultural impact but definitely impact on me, I gotta give the booze delivery roomba a try.

TOTAL SCORE: 13/15. Near-perfect. 

 

I pasted this in by accident but now I wanna keep it, fuck it, we’re doing it live. Ask Jeeves about the CCRU.²² 

 

2. Bud Light Seltzer – Flavortown

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. A whole city of Guy Fieri, some of whom are female? Shit. Sign me the fuck up.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 4/5. Beautiful. A glimpse into the utopia we could have if we gave Guy Fieri sorcerous powers.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 4/5. See, now I just really want to see Guy Fieri as Willy Wonka. Instead of fucking Timmy Chalamet. I hope they make that movie and make this rating worth it.

TOTAL SCORE: 13/15. Did you know that Guy Fieri’s sister was a lesbian and after she passed away from cancer he officiated a hundred and one gay weddings in a single day? An inspiration to us all.

 

1. TurboTax – Match Maker

SEX APPEAL: 5/5. Hold on I gotta. Give all these ratings and then I’ll explain why I’m giving this one a perfect score, give me a sec.

ARTISTIC VALUE: 5/5.

CULTURAL IMPACT: 5/5.

TOTAL SCORE: 15/15. I ship it. I love it. I’m writing fanfic about it as we speak. Ok. So. Fuck. You gotta watch this commercial. There’s this turbotax lady in a blue suit with CRAZY shoulderpads. And this other lady in flannel and mom jeans who has a cat. And it’s like. Hold on let me get screencaps of em gimme a sec.

Ok so these are the girls. And there’s some like ad bullshit the soft butch on the couch turns into a crypto guy and then into Ted Lasso for a sec, and each of them gets a different turbotax person. But she comes back 2 being the freelancer who just bought a house. And the shoulderpads lady comes back. And at the end. She’s like. “Wow, you are my perfect match”. Anyway. They’re in love. The end. 

 

If you made it this far, I’m sorry. Don’t watch any of these, I didn’t link to them for a reason, even that last one. Advertisement is a virus and the more ads you watch the worse you are. That’s why I’m the worst. I think I need to lie down.

 

* I think having an asterisk in the middle of your company’s name is dumb as hell personally. What’s it doing there. Is there like an invisible footnote somewhere telling you that you shouldn’t take investment advice from a talking baby. Well, let me be the one to tell you that you shouldn’t. Babies don’t know shit about finance. You want a dog for that.

** And another thing. The Wikipedia article for E***Trade has it as “E-Trade” because that’s apparently the company’s actual name. What the fuck is that asterisk doing in their logo. Why would you not just have it in your name also.

*** CANADIAN PHARMACY MEXICAN PHARMACY CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP LEVITRA VIAGRA CIALIS CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP L A S T . E S T A T E

– : )

 

1. Well, my partial escape. I was forced to divide my soul into quarters,  and to scatter three of those quarters to the corners of the nation, leaving one in the nonspecific northwest to continue my Bear Creek exile, and letting the others fall where they may. The northeastern clone landed in scenic Arkham, Massachusetts, and has managed to scam her way into the Miskatonic Writer’s Workshop Creative Writing program; the southwestern one has gone completely off-grid, although I have recieved several postcards in my own handwriting postmarked from a town in California which I cannot find on any maps; and I recieved a wedding invitation from the fragment of me who remained in Bear Creek, but I’m pretty sure it’s a clever trap set by the Mayor to reel me back in. There’s no way I’m actually marrying Björk.

   Editor’s note: Sofia’s original draft committed the aesthetic mortal sin of placing all footnotes before punctuation marks rather than after them. I like to consider myself a hands-off editor (read: conflict adverse, lazy) who respects the vision of his content creators authors (read: I live in constant fear of a coup) but there are some things I cannot abide. I’ve gently relocated the footnotes accordingly.

2. Anchises Fakename, a confirmed bachelor and patron of the arts, who lived here with his great-aunt Iphegenia until her death at age one hundred and nine. He spent the rest of his years in a lovely cottage on Fire Island, which he shared with a pair of purebred Persian cats and a Swiss tennis instructor thirty years his junior.
3. He’s the owner and operator of a successful fishing tour business in the Florida Keys, the ideal occupation for an aloha-shirt tiki-drink beach-bum. I envy him. But that life is not for me.
4. And like not even in a fun way, only one of the ghosts is hot. (Her name is Leonora, she was a servant in the mansion who died of consumption some time in the 1880s, and she is a TOTAL pillow princess. Won’t even like poltergeist the hitachi to get me off after I go down on her. I’m desperate, but I’m not quite that desperate. More than once a week at least.)
5. The least offensive is probably the computer virus that lurks in the wifi router and occasionally inserts ads for dick pills into word documents when I’m not paying attention. At least that’s amusing. Kind of.
6. Stuart.
7. Except the car commercials because those were on a different page and I didn’t realize that until I was already tired of the premise.
8. Generally, rather than specifically. Occasionally I will have to get inside the head of the straight women of America to fairly judge this; this will be tricky, as I am much more comfortable getting inside their pants. You can’t see but I just dabbed in real life. There should really be a “dab” emoji. Gonna call up Dave Unicode and get the gears moving on that.
9. This one is gonna be subjective, but I went to film school so I would say I’m pretty qualified. Well, I went to a film school on occasion. Because my ex-girlfriend went there and I would walk her to class. She wasn’t my ex at the time, except for the last time, when I fucked her roommate and then just happened to be walking the same way she was in the morning. I’m not petty or anything.
10. Examples of 5/5s include the Apple 1984 ad, the Old Spice man your man could smell like, where’s the beef, etc. I don’t think any of this year’s will get there, because I haven’t heard anyone talking about any of them, but I also haven’t left my room since the big game aired so maybe everyone is raving about the ad where Timothee Chalamet looks at the 2022 Jeep Mojave and says “desert power” or whatever.
11. Editor’s note: Guess we should hold a house meeting to determine who will inform Stuart about the fate of his beloved apricot-orange Robin Reliant. My initial suggestion is Gabe. He seems to have the right balance of diplomacy and directness. Derek probably has a softer approach but I suspect this task would be a source of anxiety for him. I could do it, but I think it better that this be decided by committee. Wait, never mind, Jake just read this over my shoulder is headed for Stuart’s room. Update: Can hear the sound of Stuart sobbing.
12. That last one is right but it looks more wrong than any of the others. Hate his name. Awful.
13. I did leave my room. Here’s what I got.

    J: Who is she, hold on.

    U: Chick from Pitch Perfect.

    D: She’s fucking adorable, Jake. 

    J: She’s got kinda a cunt face look about her. Sorta rat-like.

    D: She’s a goddamn angel inside and out. A Maine woman, if I recall.

    W: OK, Sofia, can you turn that exchange into a footnote? (We had been discussing the draft of this article prior to this exchange.)

    Me: Yeah one sec.

    J: Alright yeah she’s cute. I saw her mean face pictures from some movie. I take it back. But I do not find her hot. I’m a man of particular tastes.

    Me: Also, I take it back, I forgot she was in Pitch Perfect, she’s hot in Pitch Perfect. (I am increasing the rating here to a 4, but only in my heart and yours, dear reader, because I am not re-numbering these fuckers.)

14. Apparently I only gave three 7s. Which just goes to show. Idk what it shows though.
15. Never heard anyone else with the last name “Brothers”. Or the first name “Coen”. A google search tells me that it’s a shortened form of the Dutch name “Coenraad” & it’s pronounced “koon” so maybe he’s Dutch. I could google him while I’m here but I don’t really care enough.
16. Well, ok, not CURRENTLY currently, I’m busy writing. But I have been fucking a scary ghost girl regularly. Wait I already said this I think. Yeah. Leonora. Ok cool.
17. Also I think it’s cheating to be in two super bowl ads. You should only get one per year.
18. Honestly I could go on about that photo all fucking day. Shit. One of those “oh she totally tops him” kinda photos you see of celebrity couples sometimes. Anyway Zendaya if you’re reading this, I’m single. I mean even if it’s the future and I’m not, I’ll be single for you. Call me.
19. BUY V1AGRA C1AL1S MAL3 3NHANC3M3NT CH3AP LAST (D0T) ESTATE
20. Did you know that Warren Zevon wrote the theme song for TekWar? I sure fucking didn’t. What a great movie.
21. Distinct from “film school ‘lingus” which is what I performed on that ex-girlfriend I was talking about in footnote 9 ;). Or maybe it’s what she performed on me? I guess she was the one in film school. Anyway.
22. That’s the second Nick Land reference in this article by the way in case you wanted to know who the most debased and blacksuppositoried Last Estate contributor is. It’s Sofia.