on feb 1st 2022 i decided to stop taking all of my prescription meds, and because the only thing that matters to me is other peoples approval of my writing, i smelt an opportunity. having failed in a bid to pitch a straightforward review of the mary-kate & ashley vehicle passport to paris to the last estate, i decided to coincide coming off a heroic dose of psychoactive drugs with a complete watch-through of every mary-kate & ashley movie. the following is entirely true. where possible, i have left the text unedited. if it ends up polished and readable, blame the last estate.

 

there are 14 mary-kate & ashley movies widely available, and they are the 14 i have chosen to review. a separate series, ‘you are invited…’, is surprisingly hard to track down and so i simply did not bother.

 

i did not watch these films in order.

 

some housekeeping – i have taken 80mg of propranolol and 40mg of citalopram for over a decade. in the 3 weeks it took me to write this article, i have completely come off both. side effects for withdrawal from the medicine include vomiting, diarrhea, hallucinations, stomach ache, migraines and (for the propranolol specifically), intense heart palpitations and jitters. as well as this, i suffered from vertigo, fever, manic periods, intense dreams and a slackening of the anal lining. this particular side-effect may have been the most unpleasant. it is simply unacceptable to watch the olsen twins while it feels like something a little too big has been pulled from your rectum.

 

although the movies themselves are only ever a little over an hour long, i did have to take some breaks.

 

the dates and times are true, as are the reports of what happened.

 

feb 2nd – day one – propranolol @ 60mg citalopram @ 40mg

movie – passport to paris 1999

 

passport to paris is the first ever mary-kate & ashley film i watched. it holds a special place in my heart, because i also like paris and young girls.

 

the olsen’s play twins who attend a very normal american school. after their parents decide they are not seeing enough of the world, they decide to send them to paris, to spend a week with their grandpa. who is also the ambassador to america. or paris. i forget.

 

it can be hard to tell the olsen twins apart, so to help out one of them, let’s say ashley (although i cant say for sure), wears a durag. she looks like a leukemia victim but i guess she is supposed to be the cool one.

 

the most interesting thing about this film is that later in life mary-kate married olivier sarkozy the brother of french president nikolas. there is an eighteen year age difference, so when the olsens were filming this at the age of 13, he was 30. its interesting because they filmed at a lot of locations that olivier would have been present at during the period due to his work. in case im not being explicit enough, i am saying that olivier sarkozy (30) saw mary-kate olsen (13) and decided that one day he wanted to fuck her.

 

while i am watching this film, my stomach starts to feel funny. but so far the withdrawal is mild. some brain zaps which is to be expected. some general fog.

 

the olsens get to paris and a caper ensues. it involves boys and a stuffy chaperone named jeremy, who looks like a dementor with gout. everything climaxes with the olsen twins giving a speech at a dinner party and inspiring a politician to change his views on water quality in paris. i don’t understand a lot of what is happening because by the end of the film i am asleep.

feb 3rd – day two – propranolol @ 60mg citalopram @ 30mg

movie – double, double toil & trouble

 

even if i wasn’t coming off psych meds, this film would be one of the weirdest experiences of my life. i’m violently shitting myself throughout. we have to pause it countless times. this is to be expected apparently.

 

a quick run down of the film – the olsen’s play twins whose parents need money. so they all go and ask their nasty-ass witch aunt for a loan. she says no, so for some reason that’s never really explained the olsen twins find a homeless guy (by throwing stones at him), then embark on a perilous quest which includes finding a dwarf – that looks like lionel richie – in a forest.

 

at this point my wife catches me searching for ‘olsen twins kissing’ on my phone.

 

later, the homeless guy gets turned into a crow and they all attend a witches gathering that takes place in an abandoned warehouse and resembles the preliminary ideas for the daft punk music video ‘around the world’. everything turns out alright, as it always does, although during my watch-through i become aware that my wife is staring at me, mouth open.

 

as with most things, the withdrawal symptoms seem to be focused on my sphincter. i can feel it loosening.

 

feb 6th – day five – propranolol @ 60mg citalopram @ 30mg

movie – how the west was fun

 

i’m waking up each morning now in a really weird fuzz. for the first few minutes of consciousness i just kick the blankets around, making little tents with my legs and feet. it’s like i’m a child again, but instead of desperately pretending i’m not a 8 year old boy who has to go get mercilessly bullied at school, i’m an adult unsure as to what has happened to his life.

 

the movie tonight is how the west was fun. they are really fucking young in this and have the glazed over stares of two girls who have been pumped full of amphetamines to keep them focused. the acting in this is severely stunted. they are 5 (i just checked) and there is a weird balance between them trying to act and them just kicking about because they are kids. it’s kinda…magnificent.

 

the film centers on the olsen twins going to a ranch which is going out of business. the owners son wants to turn it into a theme park called gifooly land (what the fuck…) and he is a complete shit. anyway it all gets sorted, as you would expect.

 

not much to say about this film except the twins somehow ride a horse to denver on their own and – in typical mid-nineties bullshittery – convince a business magnate to spend a weekend at the ranch in order to see what the west has to offer. did i mention the ranch is called dude ranch? because it is.

 

the highlight of this film is when the villain kidnaps the twins and takes them white water rafting. they survive by grabbing onto a bridge. it’s a good little stunt considering they were five.

 

for some reason we watched this movie on an old tv set in the kitchen. i don’t really understand why, but it did add a certain nineties hum to the entire affair.

 

my wife says i am starting to smell.

feb 7th – day six – propranolol @ 50mg citalopram @ 20mg

movie – new york minute

 

todays wordle was olsen

 

the olsen’s are 18 in this film, which is great. i ask my wife whether it’s ok for me to letch at them and they say it’s fine. last night i dreamed the (young) olsen twins were biting holes in my forearms. it was such a realistic dream that i woke up and for a moment i could see the blood trickling down to my hand. waking up is so weird now. because i don’t take my nightly dose of propranolol anymore i’m an absolute fucking wreck when i wake up. breathless, heart pounding, usually covered in sweat. i haven’t been this anxious in years and i have nothing to be anxious about.

 

ok well. i have something to be anxious about. because we watched this film on yet another tv set. but, i don’t remember us having multiple tv sets. also… it was on vhs. i haven’t even seen a vhs for years. i’m not sure what’s happening. how much of it is the withdrawals and how much of it is my wife (or someone else) fucking with me.

 

new york minute is probably my favorite olsen movie so far. they play twins, but one of them is a nerd and the other a carefree punk. it’s a basic set-up but leads to much capering. this one also includes the first real dog character, ronaldo, who is fucking amazing.

 

the plot is basic but fun. the punk olsen messes up the nerd olsen’s day and they end up in new york city, trying to… you know what. i don’t think it’s important. i just… listen. today has been really hard for me and this thing is freaking me out. my dreams are fucked up and the only thing i care about is writing this fucking article.

 

i don’t feel like i belong in the last estate. everyone is so gifted. everyone likes kanye west and i cannot understand why. this article is my last chance. i have nothing to give them. i’m causing problems for myself by coming off these meds. it’s slightly masochistic. it’s like i want the stress because i think it’s suffering that brings about good art. my writing has got worse the happier i have become. i finally found someone i feel comfortable with and i am fucking it all up.

 

new york minute ends happily. the olsen twins look fabulous and this is the first movie i find them attractive in.

feb 8th – day seven – propranolol @ 50mg citalopram @30mg

movie – billboard dad

 

last night i dreamt that ashley olsen had an onlyfans. i paid to see her premium content. it was just one video. grainy super-16mm footage of her tied to a chair. she had the words ‘squirt for ukraine’ scrawled across her stomach in red marker. i woke up covered in my own guilt.

 

tonight’s movie is billboard dad. it’s funny but i can’t really remember the days anymore. just this period now, sitting down and writing about the films. i’m not going to submit this. its 1600 words already. i just. i want people to know that everything is going to be ok.

 

billboard dad. we watched this outside, on a huge projector. it might have been a drive-thru. my eyes have been weird lately. like…blinkered. you know. everything seems smaller. more narrow. my wife is with me but i can no longer feel the closeness. its as if they are caring for me. we always looked after each other, but now it’s a one way affair. the worst thing is that i have done this to myself.

 

i am using a deep-fake bot to put mary-kate & ashleys face onto veggie tales

 

the olsen’s are young again in this movie. the plot is pretty outrageous. their mom died (surprisingly high amount of parent deaths in these films, mainly because it allows the olsen twins to set up the parent who hasn’t died with another person from the movie) and their dad is not good at dating (we get a terrible date montage at one point). so they decide to paint over a huge billboard in the city and advertise him as available. it’s a truly amazing scene because it is just the two of them, painting over an entire billboard, at night. they manage to paint the entire thing and paste a massive photo of their dad up. it’s… perplexing.

 

there’s a subplot about the dad’s agent trying to swindle him out of money for a sculpture or something but i was too busy checking symptoms on google. i had painful diarrhea three times during the film. i had nowhere to go, i was afraid to get out the car, so i just went in the backseat. my wife kept looking over at me like you would a dementia patient.

 

the film ends fine. he finds love, the agent is found out, the twins save the day. the format of these films is very similar. all that really changes is the age of mary-kate & ashley. i feel like i am fermenting at this point. i want to suffer for my art but i feel like i have misjudged the amount of mental degradation that i would undergo.

 

when we get home from the drive-thru/projector area (it seems to take forever but i feel like it was probably ten or fifteen minutes drive) there is an envelope waiting outside the front door. i open it and this is what is inside. every time i try and take a photo of this fucking thing, it comes out like this.

i have no idea what’s going on anymore. i am shitting myself once an hour. painful, thick with mucus. my wife tends to me while i slowly rot, but i know they are thinking of leaving.

 

feb 13th – day twelve – propranolol @ 30mg citalopram @ 20mg

movie – our lips are sealed

 

our lips are sealed is a mary-kate & ashley movie. i am not watching the videotape so don’t fucking ask me again.

 

feb 15th – day fourteen – propranolol @ 30mg citalopram @ 20mg

movie – switching goals

 

switching goals is not great. it’s about two twins (of course). one is good at sport the other… not so much. inexplicably they both start playing for rival soccer teams. the basic gist of the whole movie is their dad, played by a man that looks like he has literal terrabytes of child pornography on his computer, decides to switch them over, so he is coaching the good olsen and his team can win. his wife loses her shit and in the end it all turns out ok.

 

i’m getting bored of olsen movies. can we talk about something else? let’s talk about how i know you guys are fucking with me. i know about your little group chats that you have about me. i know what you say behind my back. i know you sent me that videotape.

 

feb 16th – day fifteen – propranolol @ 30mg citalopram @ 10mg

movie – it takes two

 

last night i dreamed about a new mary-kate & ashley movie called choo-choo-choke. the olsen twins sit at the breakfast table eating cereal and talking about boys. ashley tells mary-kate about a boy at school who likes to eat coal. mary-kates mouth drops open, but doesn’t stop and soon her mouth is open far too wide. a weird ambient droning starts in the background (i naturally think about blackwood again). suddenly the scene shifts and we are in an old train yard. ashley is shoveling coal into mary-kates horrible distended maw. mary-kate starts to change. her skin expands and bursts, iron and steel tearing her to pieces. she is now an enormous freight train, only identifiable by the huge, stretched face on the front. she looks in more pain than i can conceive of. the screen fades to black. credits roll.

 

it takes two has steve guttenberg in it. also kirstie alley, who looks like a wasp having a stroke. this one is interesting because the girls play two separate kids who just happen to look identical. one is poor and one is rich. it’s never explained just why they look identical. i liked this film.

 

this review is now at 2350 words. i can’t string it out much longer. i’m losing my mind.

 

feb 19th – day sixteen – propranolol @ 20mg citalopram @ 10mg

movie – winning london

 

chloe lawrence (mary-kate olsen) is a very driven teenager and leader of her high school’s model united nations team. after performing particularly well in a competition, chloe’s team is selected to attend the london international model united nations in england. but when randall, one of chloe’s team-mates, is unable to attend due to a family obligation, chloe’s twin sister, riley (ashley olsen), steps in to take his place for the competition (and to get closer to brian, another of chloe’s team-mates whom riley happens to have a crush on).

when the group arrives in london, they discover that someone is already representing their usual country: china. undaunted, they improvise and end up representing the united kingdom. plenty of sight-seeing and shopping ensues, during which chloe falls for james, the son of a wealthy british nobleman named lord browning, who’s being pressured by his dad to achieve more. as the competition progresses, chloe’s over-competitive nature stalls her budding romance, riley tries to get closer to brian, and the team earns both admiration and anger for their unconventional methods. nevertheless, tribulations are weathered and lessons learned about sportsmanship, overlooked friends, and learning to enjoy one’s youth.

 

feb 23rd – day twenty – propranolol @ 0mg citalopram @0mg

movie – hospital horrors

 

in an attempt to get this review published, i watched the tape. it’s fucking horrendous. but i feel like the only way i am going to get published on the last estate is if i am equally horrendous. i stopped taking my meds entirely despite what the doctors say. i am a living pulse. i can feel the blood beating inside me.

 

hospital horrors is a fucking snuff movie. you know what it is. you know what that guy does to them. i don’t know how i can review a film which ends with twin sisters eating each other.

it was nicely lit i guess.

 

feb 27th – day twenty-four – propranolol @ 0mg citalopram @ 0mg

movie – the challenge

 

the truth is i’m scared. the mouth has opened up and we have all been swallowed whole. now everyone can do anything and the things i am able to do are not special anymore. i hate that it’s like this. i hate that everyone can write now. i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i feel so small. no matter what i achieve i constantly feel like everyone is laughing at me. and i don’t think that feeling is ever going to go away. i don’t think i am ever going to be able to reassure myself that the thing that i am doing is worth doing.

feb 28th – day twenty-five – propranolol 800mg – citalopram 1300mg

movie – holiday in the sun

march 2nd – day twenty-eight – propranolol @ 0mg citalopram @ 0mg

movie – when in rome

 

because the thing is. this is all i fucking have. writing stupid stories. and i only do it because i want people to tell me i’m good at something. like i’m a fucking child. what does that make me? the only thing i care about is making sure i am praised by others. because that’s our lifeblood isn’t it? we need it. tell me i did good daddy. i’m eight years old again. i’m being held against a wall by my fucking throat.

 

i keep having these fucking dreams. being eaten by the olsen twins. i’m never good enough. i’m a contributor to a website where everyone is extremely mentally ill, and i feel like i don’t belong. not because i am not extremely mentally ill, but because i can’t contribute. it was the drugs that took this away. i just… i thought this would be a good thing.

 

march 3rd – day thirty-four – propranolol @ 0mg citalopram @ 0mg

movie – getting there

 

this morning i woke up next to the severed head of ashley olsen